


little boy blue

by ClassyFangirl



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Backstory, Gen, Phil's huge crush on Captain America, death of parents, not quite angst but sure as hell not happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-27
Updated: 2012-05-27
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:05:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClassyFangirl/pseuds/ClassyFangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young boy begins the path to being a hero.</p>
            </blockquote>





	little boy blue

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently my new hobby is drowning in Phil Coulson feels.

His grandfather gives him three of the Captain America cards for his seventh birthday. "I think you deserve them," he says. "He gave us courage, you know. You should have some of that too."

Phil nods solemnly. It is his first birthday without his parents. He would really like some courage.

He spends the rest of the day listening to his grandfather tell stories about Steve Rogers, the man who saved the Allies. Phil has never been more intrigued in his (admittedly short) life.

He seeks out anything with Captain America on it. By the end of the month, Phil is the proud owner of five trading cards and three comic books. He spends the summer in the library and studies absolutely everything he can about Captain America. (The librarians kindly direct him towards the kids' books, and he smiles politely and takes a few, but he finds the better ones quickly enough, the ones about the _real_ Captain America, the man, not the symbol. Those books are his favorite.)

Phil likes Steve Rogers not only because he was a hero, but because he started out as an ordinary kid. Phil can sympathize, knowing all too well the feeling of not meeting his own expectations. He decides he is going to be a hero someday. He's not sure how yet- the end of summer seems eons away, let alone that strange place called adulthood -but by gosh, he's going to try.

***

Grandpa dies when Phil is thirteen. It hadn't been a very good year to begin with- he is in junior high and he has yet to master the art of disappearing in a crowd, and while this helps build muscle he is thankful for later, Phil would much rather go a few days without lying to Grandma about where a bruise came from. After the funeral (it's very nice; Grandpa was a veteran and a respected one at that), Phil stays in his room for three days. It isn't fair, he decides. Grandpa was a good man and he died fairly young. Phil is thirteen years old and he is sick of this pattern, all the people he loves dying before their time.

He wanders the town for a while, when he finally leaves the house, and while he has no idea what to do with himself, Phil finds himself at the little comic book shop. He hasn't been in a while, not since before Grandpa got sick. He hesitates outside for a while and finally enters.

It hasn't changed, which he appreciates. The world keeps changing when he's not looking, so Phil is always glad to find these constants, small as they may be. He is naturally drawn to the section with everything Captain America. It's more or less the same; no one really makes new Cap comics anymore. Phil flips through, finding dozens of comics he already owns (they are hidden under his bed because for a while, they only reminded him of Grandpa) and a few he doesn't. He is going to buy just the few when he finds something different.

Carefully wrapped in plastic is a black and white photo of Steve Rogers, cowl down, smiling at the camera. Phil is struck, suddenly, by how _handsome_ the man is. He's seen plenty of artists' renderings and photos, but never with an unmasked Captain. The hero really is a man like anybody else and he's still so much more. There is an autograph at the bottom, but while the owner of the store has been teaching him how to recognize fake signatures, Phil, for the first time in a while, doesn't care if it's real or not. He counts out his money, puts the comics back, and buys the picture.

The picture gets hidden under the bed, tucked in between the pages of a comic book. Phil's not sure why he puts it there, but then, he's not sure why he bought it either. The thought of it puts a knot in the bottom of his stomach. He pulls it out sometimes but finds himself going red in the face, and away it goes.

(He does not dare touch himself to the image for a full year. He is hot with shame afterwards and does not feel like the hero he wants to be.)

***

He doesn't go to a large school, but if you were to ask any of his classmates about Phil Coulson, it would take them a while to place the name. He likes it this way. Absolutely nothing about him is exceptional. Phil has become an expert at hiding in plain sight. It's a far cry from that nagging voice that says _What about Captain America?_ , but he'll take invisibility over that dreadful game called Beat Up The Nerd any day. (The comics and the cards and the picture- especially the picture -are still under the bed. He is graduating from high school soon, he is going to be an adult. He has put away childish things, even if there is an awful guilt deep inside him.)

Phil goes into the military, defying the expectations of the few who knew him. He tells the concerned comic book shop owner- quite possibly his only friend even if he makes a point of not buying anything anymore -that it's because his grandmother can't afford college. This is true, but there is a reason far closer to his heart. Young Phil Coulson, the little boy listening to his grandfather's stories, still believes in heroes and by God, he's going to try to be one of them.


End file.
